I need a spine/ backbone
I never thought I was compromising too much, but recently I felt like I have been too understanding and compromising a lot. Maybe it is too much that I felt like I am not me anymore. I know I compromise and agree with most things because I hate conflicts. I would do anything to avoid conflicts. The easiest thing to do is to just agree and move on, and maybe hope for the best.
I do have core values but I always just throw it out of the window for relationships. As long as the other person is happy, I am/ will be happy. But that seems to be not the case anymore... I feel more miserable and upset time to time when I think about the issues.
For example, I hate smoking. When I first found out my sister was smoking, I was so mad and I didn't understand why she had to smoke. I didn't talk to her for weeks. Finally, she confronted me and said it is really hard to quit. I'm like okay, fine. Do whatever you want but just don't do it in front of me. I became oblivious, and I was okay. In college, I met more people who smoke, but can't really care too much because they are just friends. I just had to accept that they smoke and I would avoid it. In grad school, I worked with low-income ladies who smoke everyday, every hour. I learned that you can't force someone to quit unless they want to. I understood that change come from within.
And now, I am in this relationship where my significant other smokes occasionally (not a heavy smoker according to definitions). I was okay about it in the beginning, maybe because I didn't know him well enough or didn't know how much he smoked. I didn't communicate with him better that I actually really don't like smokers. Ideally, of course I would like him to quit for good, but I get it! He said he would not smoke in the apartment when we moved in and quit for real when we have kids. I am happy that he thought that far out, but what about now?
And so, I thought we compromised- cut down on cigs and smoke maybe 3-4 times a week at work and not spend any money on cigs (cig tax is very high). Recently, I found out that wasn't the case. I saw packs of cig at home/in car; he smelled like cig; the room smelled like cig. He said "he wants to smoke whenever he wants while he is still young. It is not affecting my health because he is not smoking around me." I see it. I see his point. Logically yes. But that is the value I grew up with that I hope he can respect as well. I respect his choice of smoking, and so I did not ask him to quit. But why can't he respect my value of not smoking, and try to compromise a little?
And so I couldn't win any argument. I understood what he said and tried my best to ignore the packs and the smell. I compromised so much that I threw that value away.
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Another issue that will continue to bother is the ex girlfriend. The ex girlfriend wants to keep in touch and always texts once very two weeks- pictures, links, long messages. I would love to blame her for everything which I did because if she did not start a convo, maybe my bf wouldn't respond. But that also comes from him too. He WANTS to respond. He WANTS to be the nice person.
I understand the desire to stay friends with the ex because I was once like that. The ex was someone you were so close with and knew everything about you. It's hard to just throw away. I just wish she would understand too and to be considerate of the other relationship. Becoming friends is not impossible, but definitely not after a few months. It takes time to be friends again and to relearn responsibility/ rule as a friend or maybe even acquaintance.
Another thing I don't understand is that there are so many people out there. You have your close/ best friends. You have your boyfriend. You have your coworkers. What is something that you HAVE to contact your ex for? If you want to complain about relationships stuff, go to your girl friends. If you want to complain about life/work/family, share your accomplishments, you have everyone in the world. What's the ex for? How do you even tell people that my ex is my friend when you don't treat them like how you would treat your friends normally, such as the more consistent or constant messaging? I'm not sure.
Everyone is different. When I was single, I would love to share everything with my exboyfriend too because he was once that close person and I did miss him sometimes. But when I have a boyfriend, I focus on the current one. Things come up and remind me of him, but that desire of wanting him to know is not there anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it is because they both haven't moved on? Or they both already have one slice, but still want the other piece? Is it being greedy?
This will continue to bother me. Not sure when will it stop. I'm not ready to break up over this issue. I already said my part and he was so stubborn and would not compromise any of it. If that's the least he can do, then I guess I need to accept the least. I don't want to be a broken record. It gets tiring. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this since the beginning of the relationship. To me, this relationship is close to perfect, but this makes so much worse and less perfect. I just wish it would stop.
I do have core values but I always just throw it out of the window for relationships. As long as the other person is happy, I am/ will be happy. But that seems to be not the case anymore... I feel more miserable and upset time to time when I think about the issues.
For example, I hate smoking. When I first found out my sister was smoking, I was so mad and I didn't understand why she had to smoke. I didn't talk to her for weeks. Finally, she confronted me and said it is really hard to quit. I'm like okay, fine. Do whatever you want but just don't do it in front of me. I became oblivious, and I was okay. In college, I met more people who smoke, but can't really care too much because they are just friends. I just had to accept that they smoke and I would avoid it. In grad school, I worked with low-income ladies who smoke everyday, every hour. I learned that you can't force someone to quit unless they want to. I understood that change come from within.
And now, I am in this relationship where my significant other smokes occasionally (not a heavy smoker according to definitions). I was okay about it in the beginning, maybe because I didn't know him well enough or didn't know how much he smoked. I didn't communicate with him better that I actually really don't like smokers. Ideally, of course I would like him to quit for good, but I get it! He said he would not smoke in the apartment when we moved in and quit for real when we have kids. I am happy that he thought that far out, but what about now?
And so, I thought we compromised- cut down on cigs and smoke maybe 3-4 times a week at work and not spend any money on cigs (cig tax is very high). Recently, I found out that wasn't the case. I saw packs of cig at home/in car; he smelled like cig; the room smelled like cig. He said "he wants to smoke whenever he wants while he is still young. It is not affecting my health because he is not smoking around me." I see it. I see his point. Logically yes. But that is the value I grew up with that I hope he can respect as well. I respect his choice of smoking, and so I did not ask him to quit. But why can't he respect my value of not smoking, and try to compromise a little?
And so I couldn't win any argument. I understood what he said and tried my best to ignore the packs and the smell. I compromised so much that I threw that value away.
----
Another issue that will continue to bother is the ex girlfriend. The ex girlfriend wants to keep in touch and always texts once very two weeks- pictures, links, long messages. I would love to blame her for everything which I did because if she did not start a convo, maybe my bf wouldn't respond. But that also comes from him too. He WANTS to respond. He WANTS to be the nice person.
I understand the desire to stay friends with the ex because I was once like that. The ex was someone you were so close with and knew everything about you. It's hard to just throw away. I just wish she would understand too and to be considerate of the other relationship. Becoming friends is not impossible, but definitely not after a few months. It takes time to be friends again and to relearn responsibility/ rule as a friend or maybe even acquaintance.
Another thing I don't understand is that there are so many people out there. You have your close/ best friends. You have your boyfriend. You have your coworkers. What is something that you HAVE to contact your ex for? If you want to complain about relationships stuff, go to your girl friends. If you want to complain about life/work/family, share your accomplishments, you have everyone in the world. What's the ex for? How do you even tell people that my ex is my friend when you don't treat them like how you would treat your friends normally, such as the more consistent or constant messaging? I'm not sure.
Everyone is different. When I was single, I would love to share everything with my exboyfriend too because he was once that close person and I did miss him sometimes. But when I have a boyfriend, I focus on the current one. Things come up and remind me of him, but that desire of wanting him to know is not there anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it is because they both haven't moved on? Or they both already have one slice, but still want the other piece? Is it being greedy?
This will continue to bother me. Not sure when will it stop. I'm not ready to break up over this issue. I already said my part and he was so stubborn and would not compromise any of it. If that's the least he can do, then I guess I need to accept the least. I don't want to be a broken record. It gets tiring. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this since the beginning of the relationship. To me, this relationship is close to perfect, but this makes so much worse and less perfect. I just wish it would stop.
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